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Monday, Rain and the Ocean

I woke up today and it was Monday.  Monday.  The sun decided to sleep in.  There is no sun.  There is only the gray of a rain day.  Rain.  Rain on a Monday dulls the senses of most.  But not me.  Rain on a Monday is fun.  It makes me think of ocean times.  Not the sunny ocean.  The gray stormy one.  Waves cresting and daring you to come in.  Daring you to come in to your death. Those are the waves on Monday when it rains.  The ocean gets sick on rainy Mondays.  It spends that time fed by the wind, crashing itself upon the shore and vomiting  up treasures from the deep.  I love to look at what was left behind after the drunken binge of the wind.  Sand dollars, special shells, star fish and other things thrown up from the deep.  Treasures of the sea we normally do not see.  Monday and the rain brings up treasures from the deep.

Remembering Him

My father's birthday was yesterday.  He would have been 80 years old.  He died 5 years ago, 3 days before Christmas.  When I look back it seems like his last days with me are like they happened yesterday.  He died on a Friday.  I had gone over to my  parents house on that Wednesday afternoon.  My daughter had gone there after school so I was picking her up.  When I knocked at the door he opened it for me.  I noticed that his color was all wrong.  He was all grey.  Instantly it came to me that he was going to die very soon.  He had a pace maker put in about a year of so before he died so he was on borrowed time.  I had worked in a nursing home some years before, so I had seen that coloring before.  He was all grey.  I went about the normal things when I was there but that was the very last time I saw him alive.

I got a call at work about 11 or so from my mother's house.  I was on the phone with a work customer so that call went to vm.  I got the message about 5 minutes later and it was my daughter telling me to come to mom;s house because her papa had collapsed.  I broke into tears at my desk and left immediately.

The drive to my mothers house only took 15 minutes but it seemed like I was in quick sand.  Time was moving very slowly and I was aware of every moment and everything in those 15 minutes.  The day was cold and grey as it was December 22nd.  The traffic was not bad but when I got to the main intersection I saw a flock of blackbirds flying overhead and I knew his soul was being taken up to heaven.  I was too late.  I would not make it.

I drove on and finally turned into the neighborhood.  I was at a t intersection and I saw an ambulance pass right in front of the car, no lights no sirens.  Working at a nursing home, I knew what that meant too.  He was already gone.  I drove on and went to my parents house and my daughter and nephew were at home. Mom was in the ambulance with my father.  I picked up the kids and we went straight to the hospital.  We were all ushered into a side family room and we waited for about 40 minutes.

Finally a nice woman came in and said that my father did not make it.  They had been working on him all that time to try to bring him back.  They finally got him cleaned up so that we could see him.  I touched his face.  He was still warm. Moist even.  I touched his hair.  So white and soft. Soft as a babies hair.  I just caressed his head and hair and cried.  We were all finally ushered back to that family side room to meet with a pastor.

I remember those last moments like it was yesterday.  Funny how those last moments will be with me forever.

Kindle Fire

I think I mentioned before that I have a 1st edition kindle.  I love it but I really wish I had the new kindle fire.  My kindle is overloaded with books but these books I have not read yet.  The Hunger Games, Catching Fire and Mockingjay. This series is one of the most popular on kindle.

Right now I am reading 5 books.  As soon as I get a few of those under my belt I will begin to think about the next books.  I think it will be The Hunger Games.  So many books and so little time.

Posers

Posers.  With this economy has come the birth of posers.  I spend a lot of time in book stores and coffee shops using the free wifi and what I have noticed is that a lot of posers have come out of people losing jobs.  I see men dressed in suits sitting in Barnes and Nobel for  hours using tables like they are their offices.  I guess the local coffee shops and book stores with WiFi had become virtual offices.

There was a man sitting behind me this morning in black pants, gray shirt and sweater vest with his laptop and appointment book all set up.  At first glance it looked like he was actually working.  He was in a way.  He was looking for jobs.  But he gives the appearance that he already has one.  I only found out the truth when a woman that he knew walked up and asked him what he was doing now since he had left.  Well he then said he would give her the three minute version which turned out to be the 30 minute version.  He sells insurance and is between companies.  Medical sales is also something he has done as well.  Sales.  Not good.

I worked in the past in an office for an insurance company as an admin/support type person.  I was in the HR department, recruiting specifically.  The majority of the men and women who came in looking for sales jobs had no other alternative.  For some reason they were unable to get jobs in other fields whether it be from past arrests, legal issues, severe financial issues, the inability to pass a background check or they had done something that made them on the black list from a past employer.  The people I saw were the dregs of the employment world.  There were a few who genuinely liked sales and had been in the field for a long time.  They really were the few.

The man behind me had been looking for a long time an was trying to line up interviews this week with other insurance companies.  It is hard out there and I know he is trying.  He is and has been apparently looking relentlessly for work.  I hope he finds it.  He is a poser and I have seen many other posers like him too.  It is hard.  If you are used to getting dressed for work, looking the professional everyday, I guess it would still help to stay in that mode.

I guess I used to be a poser.  I used to get up and get dressed when I first was laid off, then I stopped.  No need.  My focus became to look the part when I needed to...when networking, going to job fairs and going on interviews.  Casual is my dress at my local coffee shops and book stores now.  Looking for work does not mean that I have to look like my office is now the book stores.  When I stopped being a poser some of the anxiety and stress left me.  It is stressful enough being without work and looking constantly.  The strain  of keeping up a public image was just an unneeded worry.

Pain

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”
― C. JoyBell C. —

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Star Trek Does All The Single Ladies

Yes!  I am a geek and I love this!

Fandango Coupon Codes

I do like to go to the movies but nowadays they can be a real expense.  Between the cost of the movie and popcorn, candy and a drink, you can spend at least $20.00.  That is just too much for a movie.  I do try to reduce the cost in any way that I can.  I will try to always catch the matinee because it is a few dollars less.

I always carry a big purse, so my water bottle, coke and candy bars go with me.  Sorry, but the candy at the dollar store in the box is EXACTLY the same that you can get at the movie counter for $3.50.  So drinks and snacks go with me always now.  My daughter is now doing the same thing.  She carries her water or soda and candy in her purse as well.  Yeah...I know.  We not proud.

On occasion for some of the more popular movies like Harry Potter, I have bought advance tickets for them using Fandango.  I was going with friends and we just had to see that movie on opening day.  After checking out the Frugal Dad site, I see that there are fandango movie coupons available that offer savings.  Fandango has partnered with Citi Forward to offer a $50 credit if you use your Citi Forward card to buy Fandango tickets.

And there is more.  Citi Forward  is offering 5 thank you points for every dollar spent on movies.  These points are then redeemable for movie tickets and travel rewards.   If you transfer a card balance to the Citi Foward card or buy purchases with the card, there will be no interest on purchases made within the first year of the account opening.  How cool is that?  The fandango movie coupons are really providing a great deal!

The Frugal Dad has found this coupon and  other fandango movie coupons that offers 20% off $25 worth of tickets.  With a little foreplanning on your part and coupons from the Frugal Dad, going to the movies might just not be SO expensive.  Be sure to check out the site.  There are values to be had on lots of things  that many families can use during these "not so easy" economic times.  The Frugal Dad is there as a great resource to help the average person take a conservative approach to their finances.

Farewell Whitney Houston

Sleep well beautiful lady with the golden voice.

Snow Trees

A Musical Trip

About a month ago I took my daughter to the local music store.  It was like going back in time.  It took me straight back to high school and my college days.  As soon as we walked in the door the smell of incense filled our nostrils.  I remember nights with friends and even boyfriends relaxing with drinks and burning incense.  Days of old.  My daughter thought the incense was very nice.  We went to check out all the "flavors".  We even bought three sticks of incense.

 We began to walk around and of course there were LP's everywhere.  I had to explain what they were to my daughter.  She thought they were very large CD's.  Talk about generation gap.  There were many great rock hits and LP's that were rhythm and blues.  Great hits like Earth , Wind and Fire.  Great tunes.  There were music posters.  I do not think that kids nowadays really buy posters the way my generation did.  I remember having music posters of all my idols!  My daughter was interested in the Bob Marley posters.

We spent about an hour there looking at posters, records and smelling incense.  A trip to the local music store can be quite an outing for the kids and a trip back in time for you.  This weekend I will finally burn some of the incense I bought that day.  Peace out!

You Tube At A Party

Guest written by our friend Mason Abbott

I visited Clear-Internet.com and switched our internet service provider. Now, I can stream things off the web as clear as day. It is awesome! My favorite thing to do is to use our streaming player ( connected to the television) that picks up the internet through built in wifi. It has a lot of different things that you can access like Netflix and Amazon Prime. My favorite thing to use it for though is to pull up YouTube when we are having people over or having a party. You can actually watch YouTube videos through the internet on your television. Now, with our fast internet provider the videos don’t buffer forever and you can watch the videos with out a pause. Sometimes I put on music videos when people are over, but other times I just put on popular videos or comedy shows. YouTube is really show much fun, I wish that I had thought of it first! If I had, I would probably be a very smart and a very rich woman by now!

Cupid's Arrow Missed Again

It is that day again.  Valentine's Day and this is year 15 with no valentine for me.  Sad. I know.  It is sad.  Yesterday I was feeling very low.  I guess I was thinking of all the candy and flowers and nice dinners I missed out on all these years.  And being alone.  The perfect guy or even the unperfect guy has yet to even look my way.  I am not asking for much...just a person who shares some of the same interests I do.  Dinner, a show and a movie would be enough.  It is the same on New Years Eve for me.  No one to share a kiss with.

I wonder if some are just supposed to be alone in the world.  I wonder if I am one of them.  I have been seeing things about this being "singles awareness day" for the single.  I wonder if love will come.  I look at my mother.  She was in a bad marriage that was not happy for 37 years.  When my father died she was able to move on.  She finally found someone who was social and gregarious and loved to dance and go out.  All the things my father did not do.  She had the time of her life for the last four years and was very happy.  This man died on this past Saturday of a heart attack and now she is alone again at  74.  The one thing she told me was that he made her happy.  For the time they had together it was pure pleasure and fun and they did so many things together.  Now he is gone.  It is sad.  She found her soul mate at the age of 70 and had just four wonderful years.  Too short.

I am now in my 50's and am still looking.  I want to find my soul mate soon.  Long before I reach my 70's.  There are so many things I want to do, see and go.  Time is drifting by on gossamer wings and stealing youth and vitality with it.  I am still sad today.  I thought I was over it.  I busied myself with making others feel special today by getting others cards and candy.  Well, I know that none of that will be reciprocated.  That is okay for me with them.  They are my family and children.  I do want someone just for me.  I want to feel like I matter to someone.  Just for a little while.

I want to get those roses on special days and get dressed up for dinners.  When I was working in an office setting I was one of those who after seeing all my coworkers get flowers delivered year and year, decided to send flowers to myself.  I did.  I just had to feel like I was just as special to someone as they were.  When I got roses or flowers for those first two times I did it, what a "thing" it was in the office.  I got flowers.  I  was the talk of the day.  Well, it was only me.  It made me feel good.  I love flowers.  Always have.  My desk was brightened for at least a week.  I had the mysterious friend who thought I was special.

I have not done that in a while.  I almost wish I had today.  Alas it is too late and I am not in the mood.  It will be another sad day.  At least for awhile.  I have much to do today.  Meetings and things, so the business of the day will take my mind away to  other places and the significance of the day will be lost in the mundane.  Cupid shot his arrow and it missed me again.  Happy Valentine's Day.

Kindle Fever

I have a kindle that was given to me as a gift earlier this summer.  It is a first edition kindle and I have enjoy using it. My friend who gave it to me got a coupon for a new one so she gave me the old.  I am happy with it.  I was able to access all her old books and get my own.  I think I like it too much.  I think I have a kindle addition.  I live for the free books and have down loaded so many books that I have a plethora to read.  I mean...they all look so good and are free so why not.  But I cannot read them all as fast as I would like.

Plus there are all the free books from the library and sights like Pixels of Ink.  They offer free books everyday! Book heaven is what I am in.  But I will tell you that my love of books stem from when I was a child.  I have always loved books and over the years have accumulated many.  So many that every few years I have to give away to the local library for book sales.

There are some books that I want to read that are not free so I put myself on the local waiting list at my library and wait my turn.  I have actually bought a few books that were not free for my kindle, but right now I try not to buy any.  Free is so much better.

Right now I am on the waiting list for the book about Steve Jobs.  He was an amazing, brilliant man and I cannot wait to read it.

 

Whitney Houston

I know that I may be in the minority with this but I used to be a Whitney Houston basher.   For years.  When she first came on the scene I liked a few of her songs but I could not stand her.  There was something about her that was just so ghetto, it disgusted me.  I saw her in a documentary with Bobby Brown and she was talking about "her Bobby" over and over and that sealed the deal for me.  I really did not like Whitney Houston.  But that was not all.

I saw her give an interview with a reporter and if I had any doubts they all evaporated them.  She did not give a good interviews.  She had extremely bad diction and came across like she could not put two sentences together. That whole crack is whack thing did not help her at all.   I did see her movie the BodyGuard  but I was not impressed.  Not at all and I was shocked that her leading man was who it was.  He had reached a new low with Whitney Houston.

As the years progressed and she and Bobby got weirder and druggier....it just seemed like that was on course for the type of people they were.  That weird pilgrimage to some hoodoo doctor overseas did not help me either in changing my opinion of her.

Then Waiting to Exhale came out and I did see her in a different light.  She had become more articulate with years as far as interviews and that movie was one that I did enjoy.  My opinion of her changed and my dislike was replaced with indifference mixed with pity.  She was on drugs and seemed unable to get off.  That was now quite a different thing.  She was very troubled for so many years.

Now that she has died, I am sorry that she was unable to get over that drug addiction for herself and her family.  Look what it did.  It took away her lovely voice.  She did have a beautiful voice but that was all.  Now it may have taken her life.  She was a talent that was gone too soon.  But I think she was already gone.  Her comeback never happened because her voice was gone.  The addiction remained.  Now that she is gone we will have her music as a legacy.  That is the good part of her that remains and I guess her family will also have memories of good times mixed with very bad.  Drugs can disrupt the entire household.

Well, Whitney...you are in a better place singing with the angels.  I hope you are at peace.

Happy Birthday Charles Dickens

Happy Birthday Charles Dickens! I must say that when I was in school, middle and high school, I know that I did not appreciate the value of your work as much as I do now. I did like your stories but now I truly relish them. They are a joy and I do my best to instill that joy of them in my children.

Your view and descriptions of human nature and the settings of England in your great literary works is amazing. You would be 200 today and is it not amazing that even now, your works are an integral part of literature and education everywhere?!

Happy Birthday-Rasta Man!

The Hodgepodger: Happy Birthday-Rasta Man!: Snapshots In My Time... Of My Time.....Hauntings. God, I loved Bob Marley. I have always been a big reggae fan. I remember going to Sunday

night reggae at the art center when I live in North Carolina. I would always go by myself because none of my friends wanted to do. I spent most Sundays groovin' to that reggea beat and drinking wine. The Awareness Art Ensemble normally performed those special Sundays. I love that group! I loved that time!

My Reading List

I love to read and normally have about 4 books at a time in the "currently reading" mode at any one time. These are the books I will be reading soon. I have heard lots of my friends talk about The Hunger Games and the book Steve Jobs. I have 3 to finish before I can move onto these two. Check some of these out. They are very good!

The Big Game

Each year the "big game" comes. The super bowl. While all of America paints their faces, chooses sides, makes wagers and starts grilling and cooking and drinking for the big game, I wonder what the excitement is all about. I guess it is me. I am not a "sports person." Ever since high school sports really have been a mystery to me. I went to my homecoming football game my senior year just so that I could say I went to one of them.

My junior year, I let one of my friends convince me that I needed to follow her and go out for the basketball team. REALLY? What was I thinking? I was cut on the 2nd day. I could not keep up with all the running. Thank goodness. I may have gone to 2 basketball games just because my friend did make the team.

As an adult I grew farther and farther away from sports. I have dated men who were into sports and those sporting events have been very trying times. You have to get excited when there is no excitement to be part of the crowd...especially when some of the other guys who have girlfriends really do like sports. I learned. I learned fast where to yell and when the clap and when to yell so that I can fit in. So what if I am 1/2 second behind. Everyone else is too busy jumping and hooting and hollering to notice me!

So now....I go to super bowl parties each year and while I do not enjoy it much as far as the game is involved, I go for the friends and the food. With the game, I fake it. It is only once a year that I have to act like I enjoy sports. It is just for a few hours. One of these days I will get someone to explain the game of football to me. Maybe it would make more sense as to who was doing what on the field. Just maybe!

Love this!

Good By Vampires! Very funny!

Weddings and Wistful Feelings of Old

I was sitting in Barnes and Noble on Monday morning about two weeks ago, when a young couple comes in and sits down. Within five minutes a man joins them at their table and soon they begin to discuss the couples wedding that will be happening later this summer. The man who joined them is apparently the one who will be doing the music for them. He had a rather loud voice so all around in the cafe could hear his plans. They spoke of the type of music, costs and what people like and what the couple wanted. Seeing the couple, so young and in love made me look back on the first of two of my most serious relationships and marriage. It made me wistful to think of those times and what I wanted to do and inevitably how it all turned out.

The first thing that came to my mind was my very first relationship with my high school love. We were engaged and together for about 7 years. I had a lovely diamond and we had planned to get married sometime after college. We did not have a set date but I spent my time pouring over bridal magazines month after month getting ideas about everything. Finally I had the perfect wedding in mind and my fiance agreed with me. It would be an evening wedding right around 6pm so that meant all formal. I was not a fan of the organ and did not want the traditional organ music. I wanted a string quarter playing things like Pachebel's Cannon and some Vivaldi. That was the perfect music for an evening wedding. Lots of flowers. Yes, there would be lots of flowers around. Peonies and calla lilies. The reception would be heavy hors d'oeuvres and pink champagne punch would flow like water. For the reception we would have cool jazz and some reggae. It was my dream wedding. It was our dream wedding.

It got derailed in a big way. I was in college when my old boyfriend and I began to really solidify what we wanted for wedding plans. Now I was coming out of a home where my mother was "mommy dearest" in every sense. My confidence was broken and had been for a very long time. I remember looking back at that time and thinking that I would never live past my 20's. I was so broken that I could not see me with any future, so getting married was a big deal and planning for the future was even bigger. I would have a future. I was hoping so. Well, I presented our plans to my mother because she was asking about them. I gave her the run down of what we wanted.

She hated everything. Because the parents of the bride paid for the wedding, I began to get really scared. I should have known. It was as it has always been. She did not like the music, the time, the songs, the flowers and after she got all wound up saying she hated everything about it, she said she would not pay for anything if we did not have organ music. Finally after trying to tell her this was our wedding, my dream... she said she was not going to have anything to do with it and would not even attend! Well that was that. All our dreams dashed. Because I was in such a broken place--before therapy--I lost all hope. We would not be having a dream wedding. Not at all.

Well, my mother soon did all she could to sabotage the relationship. She intimidated my fiances' mother, decided that my fiance and his family were common. Common as street dogs and she would have nothing to do with them, so there was not meeting of the mothers. When I graduated from college, I got a great job in Atlanta. While the relationship with my fiance was heading downward, I had hope that if we could get away from this town and these dysfunctional people we could make things our own and move forward.

I asked him to move with me. He was undecided. At the same time, he needed a new car and I told him that since we were thinking still of the future, he should get a sedan style...not a sports car. We went round and round regarding the future. I guess it had too many things against it. Well he came over to my apartment one day prior to the move and I did not see his beat up Nova. We had been driving in the beat up Nova for four years. He had gotten the new car but not the sedan that was good for a family. He had the sports car. I was crushed. That was not looking to the future. It was a two seater. Well, I asked him again if he would move with me to Atlanta to start anew. He refused. I gave him back the ring. He did help me move to Atlanta but that was the end of us. Our future was gone...just like dust in the wind.

I have seen him since I have come back home after being gone for 10 years. He seems the same to me. Still in that place where I left him when I moved away to Atlanta. In the years after I left, he ended up getting a girl pregnant before they were married and I found that out the hard way. It had been about 4 years that I had been gone. I began to think that I needed to seek him out and see if he was single and if he still was interested in me. I called around and sent a card two as all his numbers had changed. He had even changed jobs. I do not remember how I found him, but one day I dialed a number and it was him.

The conversation was a little stilted. His way. I was happy to be talking to him. Finally I picked up on that. I asked him how he was doing again and he said that he was good, with a child on the way. A heavy weight began to cause my heart to sink. He was the type to never leave a child. I asked him what happened? He said that she was right there next to him as he spoke to me. Well, I wished him the best and told him congratulations. I hung up the phone and immediately began to cry. I felt like I had lost the most important person in my life. I had not realized that I was still holding a torch for him. I cried.

I cried and then cried some more. For what was lost. All those years of being together was all for naught. I cried for the time we spent together and the fun we had. I cried for the bad times too. I cried because all my dreams of having a wedding that was my fairy-tale was gone. I cried because I felt all alone in the world. The one person who was always on my side was now with someone else. I cried for the many things I suddenly felt that I had to say to him and would now never have the chance to say.

But that was a while ago.

I have seen him in the past 2 years and I now know that it was a good thing that we never made it. There is a reason that your ex is your ex. It was never meant to be. He is in a very unhappy marriage to the same women that he had the child with. He and I seem so very incompatible now. We have spoken on the phone and it seems that now we have not a thing in common. I wonder if it was the same way back when and we were simply blinded by our love? What a thought. Some of the same bad habits that he had back then he still has and they are just as annoying now as they were then.

I can see clearly now. I do not think we would have made it either. But, you never know. We could have come together and worked together and it might have worked. I just know that seeing what I see now, it seems unlikely. Our phone conversations confirm that we are in very different places. Even so, I think of those plans of old.

I never had that grand wedding. I never was that fairy tale bride. I never wore that beautiful white dress with the long train and veil. I never got that walk down the aisle to Vivaldi. I think sometimes that I should have a grand party some day, at 6pm, formal, with heavy hors d'oeuvres and the pink champagne punch would flow like water! I would have music, a mixture of classical, reggae and cool jazz. I would wear a fancy dress! I would be the belle of the ball.

I still have hope. I still dream.