June 27, 2004

My Parents On Dating

Snapshots In My Time, Of My Time.....Hauntings.

My mother thought that the world was made up of different classes of people. There were only two. Low class and Appropriate Class or I guess High Class. While she tended to place everyone she knew, met or worked with in a category, I could never see the world that way. My mother could just look at someone and knew instantly what class they belonged to. She felt that I needed to do this too when I made decisions about friends or people to date.

Well I was a very late bloomer being very shy and quiet. Dating was quite an experience. I did not date until my junior year of high school. Before anyone could go out with me they had to pass the test my mother gave them. Before the date was even sanctioned, the unsuspecting boy had to come over to my house for an interview by my mother. If they did not EVEN pass the interview the date would never happen.

So...said boy would show up to meet my parents. Setting was the formal living room not the comfortable den. My mother and father would sit on the sofa and he would sit in the chair. I was sitting at the formal dining room table watching. It was all that I could do. It was totally out of my control.

Plesantries were exchanged and the interrogation would begin. My mother did all the talking. She would ask all of the following questions:
1. Who are your people and what are their names?
2. Where do you live?
3. What do your parents do for a living?
4. How long have your parents worked at those jobs?
5. How old are you?
6. What grade are you in?
7. Do you plan to attend college?
8. If so where do you plan to attend college?
9. Do you smoke?
10. Do you drink?

Those were the basics and depending on the answers, those questions could be expanded upon. Well, even if the boy passed the test, the grilling he got was severe and he most likely would not want to go out. Imagine a bug under a magnifying glass. That was how I felt just listening and I was not even my potential date. I did go out on less than 5 dates my entire high school career. Once the news got around that any boy I wanted to see or who wanted to see me had to interview with my mother, boys steered clear.

If the boy failed my mothers test he was told on the spot that I was off limits and could not ever go out with them. Out of the 2 handfuls of people that she interviewed I feel that 2 really good honest people got away. One was a guy (I cannot recall his name now) who was in the ROTC and was going to college and entering the military. He came to call once after the interview and my sent him away post haste.

The other fellow I resisted my mothers wishes and dated for a long time. We were even engaged. The entire time we dated my mother basically harassed him and me about us dating. To me privately I was told that she never liked him and that he was worthless and would never amount to anything. To his face she would repeat key interview questions over and over again on a monthly basis. He and I vowed to stay together. He was my first love. Eventually we did drift apart and we broke up. We tried to get back together 2 times after the initial break up. He tried on the first attempt and I was dating someone else. The second try it was me doing the initiating and he was seeing someone else. He was even thinking of marrying this new girl. I was devastated. I wished him the best and hung up. I pined and cried over him and knew that he was the one that got away.

I did not hear from him for about 10 years. One holiday-4th of July about 3 years ago--I was visiting my parents in the states and was taking a walk around the block. A green van stopped and a man who looked familiar jumped out and called my name. It was my first love-the one that got away. I asked him what he was doing in the neighborhood. He said he was looking for me. For me??? He told me that every holiday for the last 10 years he drives over to my parents neighborhood to see if he may get a glimpse of me...to see me. I was flabbergasted. He said this was the first time I had ever been outside/seen in all those years of his driving by.

We stood there talking in the street for about an hour. He was still married to the girl he was thinking of marrying that last time I spoke to him. The marriage was basically over, they were together for the kids. He told me he still loved me and had never stopped and that I was the only one for him, but given circumstance there we both were. Personally I still had feelings for him. I always have had feelings for him. I never stopped loving him either but here we were. We exchanged phone numbers to be forever friends. We still keep in touch to this day. We did meet for drinks once--that is all. He does remember me and calls on every holiday to wish me a merry day or to have a happy birthday. In my heart of hearts he is the one that got away. I have loved and cared deeply for people after him but it has never been the same.

Part of our drifting away had some to do with my mother. When we got engaged I tried to arrange for his family and mine to meet. My mother refused. His mother was afraid of mine. Her reputation preceded her and me unfortunately. We began to plan the wedding. I wanted violins and jazz. She wanted organ music and hymns. I told her this was my wedding and these were the things my finace and I wanted. She then said that she was not going to pay for the wedding if it was not as she wanted it planned. She then said she was not going to attend if we got married. Being young I was at a loss as to what to do. My love and I thought about eloping. In the end, it finally got to him that my mother disliked him so much and thought that he was not of the proper "socioeconimic standing" that she was refusing to pay for a wedding or have anything to do with it. We finally drifted apart.

FYI...after that I never involved my mother in any relationship I had. The only time she may find out about a significant other in my life was if I came home for a holiday with him in tow. I have gotten married without the big dream wedding that evey girl wants her parents to help her have. I have not had the money to throw a big wedding--but my parents sure do--so the justice of the peace is what I have had to live with.

Funny now...my marriage has failed and when talking to my mother now she says that I should have married my first love. He stayed on in my hometown and never left. My mother did see him around town from time to time and he has done well for hismelf. Good job, home, 2 kids. She wants that stability for me. The 2nd time she said to me that I should have married him, I let her have it. I told her that if she recalled she never liked him and thought that his family was low class and not good enough for me. I mentioned the wedding she refused to pay for because I wanted jazz and violins and she wanted organ music and hymns. I also mentioned that after that she refused to attend the wedding at all. Who would give me away? I also mentioned the fact that in all the years we dated she never liked him and told him so to his face. What did my mother do? Deny everything that I had just told her.

We both know it is true. Now the only thing she asks me about him at least once a month or so is, "have you heard from ____ lately?" My answer is always yes, as I have heard from him. We do stay in touch by phone but that is all. It makes me sad to talk to him now. To think about the life we may have had. It may not have worked out in the end but at least we would have tried and failed. It makes me sad to think about dreams lost and hoped for, for so long..spending my life with him and not having the chance. We dated for 7 years. He was the one I was supposed to loose my virginity too and did not. It makes me so sad now I almost wish that he not call. He is sad too. We are both sad together for a dream of being together that has not been fulfilled and by the looks of it never will.
Something for fun: What sort of high class person are you? My profile is below. What is yours?


Which high class ho are you?
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  1. No matter what always follow your dreams!