June 28, 2005


Snapshots In My Time...
Of My Time.....Hauntings.

The Theory: "Everything proceeds to an unchangeable inevitable pattern. When you know enough about any situation its future is entirely predictable" or "All events are predictable, therefore inevitable and all events are inevitable, therefore predictable".

Inevitability. It haunts me. It is all around me. It washes over me now like waves from the black night sea. I am slowly becoming the parent to my parents. They are becoming the children. I am saddened by their fralities that were all so invisible before. They are glaring and apparent now. It makes me sad.

The favorite ones of childhood are not living up to the pedastles that they were placed on. It is the black sheep who are depended upon. The favorites do not have time for aging parents. The favorites who were graced and given the parents money have turned their backs. They have taken the money and run. Run so fast and so far they will not even call on the phone. They phones only ring on Jupiter.

The black sheep did not get any money and now the money is gone. Even if anyone wanted to now share funds with the black sheep, there are no funds left to give. The black sheep do not want the dependacy. The black sheep do not want any money. The black sheep hate this inevitability. The black sheep feel trapped.

Trapped due to locality. Trapped due to accesibility. Trapped due to inevitability.

Inevitability. With the favorites taking flight to distant universes, it is inevitable that this should cause great anguish and gnashing of teeth by those who put them on the pedastles. This should be a source of satisfaction for the blacksheep...to see the favorites bite the hand that feeds them. To see those hands tremble with fear and dissapointment. It caused glee and great smugness for awhile. What goes around really does come back around. It was good to see others get a kick in the butt. God knows they deserved it and much more.

Glee was short lived thought. Glee was driven away by calls for assistance. Resentment set in. Why me? Why me? Call the favorites and keep calling them. They are the ones you really want anyway. But they won't come, wont' call, won't answer a letter, won't be bothered. Why call me?

Blood ties do not make you family. It simply makes you related. I have family who do not have the same blood as I flowing in their veins. Deperation will make you think that blood ties make you obligated. The favorites certainly do not think that. If so, there would not be calls to me to help with everything now.

Inevitability. I wonder if the will, will be changed to include me now. Many years ago I was told that nothing would ever come my way and my name was on nothing. As the black sheep I accepted that. I did nothing except be born to become the black sheep. Fine. I have made my own way in life. And in many ways did better that the favorites. That did not matter though. The favorites could be ditch diggers and that would be better than a person with a masters or phd. Odd how that works. Odd how that IS the reality. The black sheep have done so much more in life than the favorites.

Inevitability. It haunts me. Most likely it will not change and I will be the one at the reading whose name is not called. I tell myself I am steeled for that, yet I cannot imagine me sitting through that with the others. I might just have to be busy that day and speak to the lawyers later. I can at least spare myself that pain. It is inevitable that even in death you will still be stabbing sharp pieces of broken glass through my heart and eyes and hands.

Help me to make it through this period of inevitability. It is not fair. Being a black sheep for what seems like 50 plus years and now all of a sudden called upon to do like a favorite, without the grace and good wishes of the favorites? It is not fair. Life is not fair.

It is inevitable. That's me. Haunted by inevitability.