Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
July 30, 2015
Day 2 of 55
my birthday was yesterday and believe it or not I was thinking I was a year younger. crazy, I know. I actually had to get out the calculator and subtract my birth year from calendar year. I looked at and said...that could not be right. I did it again and this time I was sure I did not miss any numbers. the calculator did not lie. I was that age. thank goodness I do not feel it. the belief that you are as young as you feel is very true. that will be my motto and I am sticking to it.
July 26, 2015
March 14, 2015
Let the Past Go!
When I was younger, I , like many others did not know myself. I worried a lot of what others thought about me. It almost consumed me not to be part of the "it" crowd. I did have friends, a small close group of fellow geeky friends who did everything together. Even though I had friends, I realized I was not part of the mainstream and the mainstream was what society wanted. They were what mattered. So, I was awkward and shy and very a misfit. That was in high school.
College was much different. The scoreboard was a little more equalizing and I fit in many more places. I was even a member of a fraternal organization. Outside I was much more gregarious and outspoken. Inside I was still shy and while it mattered less, I still worried what others thought of me. As I focused on the future and climbing the corporate ladder, I always looked forward.
When I was along I still thought back to some of the kids and people who made my life miserable and wondered if they ever thought of me or remembered how unpleasant they were to me.
Today I live in the present. That old stuff is fat behind me. I rarely think about it. It vaguely comes to mind when it is time to go to the high school reunions or get together with people from high school. They seem to remember nothing that happened. I can live with that. I love to live in each moment and savor it.
Whether it be reading a great book by an open window feeling a cool breeze, or enjoying a venti flat white at Starbucks, to sitting on the beach enjoying the ocean breezes, I am in the present moment. Live for the present because it is all we have right now. Enjoy it like it is your last moment because were are not promised our next one.
Namaste!
July 23, 2014
July 13, 2012
Cube Life Again
May 30, 2012
Waiting
Snapshots In My Time...Of My Time.....Hauntings.
Waiting is a terrible thing. It can drain the soul of hope. That is where I am today. Not everyday, but today, this hour, this time, this second. Waiting has a life. At first it is filled with hope and anticipation that is really a good thing. Spirits are high. That life is buoyant and might even add some pep to your step. Time begins to pass and waiting changes. It becomes first a lesson. A lesson in patience and endurance. The life of waiting changes to something hard and in the end becomes a force that will cut to the bone. First we are patient or so we tell ourselves and we will ourselves to wait. We tell ourselves waiting is good. It will all work out in the end. We tell ourselves this and even convince ourselves of this. So waiting will become just a little bit tolerable. More tolerable. We wait. We wait. We wait some more. Then things start to happen. Things begin to come apart and then the waiting becomes a thing that can be our undoing. We fix things. We rob peter to pay paul. We make adjustments. We might even have to give up things we have cherished for so long. Things that are dear and have much meaning. It will take will and much thinking about them to let them go. But they do. We let them go. Just a few things ago. It is the sacrifice we make to waiting. We give them up and hope that we can somehow get them back. Some things we cannot get back. We hope. We wait. Then to much time has passed we begin to wonder. Wonder what has happened. Some things that are in the mix are not because of our doing. It may be due to the meanness of others. Things they did in the past increase the wait. Some of the waiting is not your fault and cannot be undone. Cruel circumstances add to the wait. Hope begins to wane. So many things are now lacking. So many things are precarious. Life on the edge. Life on the edge is not good. Waiting becomes a terrible, crushing thing. It takes my breath away. It runs away sleep. The days become filled with exhaustion and worry. Waiting weighs on my soul. Much like the albatross, it is always there. You can never really be away from it. So....no matter how I try to move things along, things move at their own pace. Trying to make things happen to stop the waiting sometimes works but not often. After a while it becomes so hard. Hard to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry. Hard to keep going to you are so tired of trying to keep the plates in the air. They are beginning to fall and break with no repair. Hard to keep waiting. Hard to keep living. Waiting. Waiting is hard. Waiting is tiring. Waiting breaks the soul. Hope flees into the darkness. It peeks out from time to time only to run and hide deeper once it see waiting controlling everything. Waiting. Waiting is death from within.
Waiting is a terrible thing. It can drain the soul of hope. That is where I am today. Not everyday, but today, this hour, this time, this second. Waiting has a life. At first it is filled with hope and anticipation that is really a good thing. Spirits are high. That life is buoyant and might even add some pep to your step. Time begins to pass and waiting changes. It becomes first a lesson. A lesson in patience and endurance. The life of waiting changes to something hard and in the end becomes a force that will cut to the bone. First we are patient or so we tell ourselves and we will ourselves to wait. We tell ourselves waiting is good. It will all work out in the end. We tell ourselves this and even convince ourselves of this. So waiting will become just a little bit tolerable. More tolerable. We wait. We wait. We wait some more. Then things start to happen. Things begin to come apart and then the waiting becomes a thing that can be our undoing. We fix things. We rob peter to pay paul. We make adjustments. We might even have to give up things we have cherished for so long. Things that are dear and have much meaning. It will take will and much thinking about them to let them go. But they do. We let them go. Just a few things ago. It is the sacrifice we make to waiting. We give them up and hope that we can somehow get them back. Some things we cannot get back. We hope. We wait. Then to much time has passed we begin to wonder. Wonder what has happened. Some things that are in the mix are not because of our doing. It may be due to the meanness of others. Things they did in the past increase the wait. Some of the waiting is not your fault and cannot be undone. Cruel circumstances add to the wait. Hope begins to wane. So many things are now lacking. So many things are precarious. Life on the edge. Life on the edge is not good. Waiting becomes a terrible, crushing thing. It takes my breath away. It runs away sleep. The days become filled with exhaustion and worry. Waiting weighs on my soul. Much like the albatross, it is always there. You can never really be away from it. So....no matter how I try to move things along, things move at their own pace. Trying to make things happen to stop the waiting sometimes works but not often. After a while it becomes so hard. Hard to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry. Hard to keep going to you are so tired of trying to keep the plates in the air. They are beginning to fall and break with no repair. Hard to keep waiting. Hard to keep living. Waiting. Waiting is hard. Waiting is tiring. Waiting breaks the soul. Hope flees into the darkness. It peeks out from time to time only to run and hide deeper once it see waiting controlling everything. Waiting. Waiting is death from within.
March 09, 2012
Time to Carpe Diem
You would think that I would have a lot of time on my hands but I don't. Weird how that happens. THINGS just come in and suddenly all the time in the world you thought your would have is not there. I make lists and have mental lists of things I want and need to do. Some things get done and some don't. I wonder if we ever really have time to waste away.
I really think about this when I hear about people who are famous, retiring. You get that announcement that some famous sports coach is retiring and then it seems that within a month or two they die. They do not get to enjoy their retirement at all. Seems criminal to me. Like the joke is on them. Whatever vacation plans with the family and just taking it easy never even had the chance to happen. Why is that? And is seems it does not happen to only the rich or famous. Locally I have heard some things like that happen as well. They retire and within a week a heart attack happens and they are dead.
Seems like cruel and unusual punishment. All those years of work and not time to rest and relax. Some of my friends have said it was the retirement that did them in. Can that be possible? The shock of not having a job to go to caused a sense of bewilderment, disorientation and stress. The lack of a list, an agenda, a meeting, a crisis....could that have caused stress that lead to death. I do not know. It all seems so unfair.
We do not know the hour we will be called, so we need to live each day like it is our last. Really. Not many of us do this. Me included. I think we would get so much more of out each day if we did. Carpe diem. Everyday and all day. Carpe Diem.
I really think about this when I hear about people who are famous, retiring. You get that announcement that some famous sports coach is retiring and then it seems that within a month or two they die. They do not get to enjoy their retirement at all. Seems criminal to me. Like the joke is on them. Whatever vacation plans with the family and just taking it easy never even had the chance to happen. Why is that? And is seems it does not happen to only the rich or famous. Locally I have heard some things like that happen as well. They retire and within a week a heart attack happens and they are dead.
Seems like cruel and unusual punishment. All those years of work and not time to rest and relax. Some of my friends have said it was the retirement that did them in. Can that be possible? The shock of not having a job to go to caused a sense of bewilderment, disorientation and stress. The lack of a list, an agenda, a meeting, a crisis....could that have caused stress that lead to death. I do not know. It all seems so unfair.
We do not know the hour we will be called, so we need to live each day like it is our last. Really. Not many of us do this. Me included. I think we would get so much more of out each day if we did. Carpe diem. Everyday and all day. Carpe Diem.
September 16, 2011
Fall is in the Air
Woke up this morning and it was a blustery morning. The wind was blowing, the trees were swaying and it was raining as well. The weather was no longer sweltering. Here in the very tropical south, the weather is warm and even hot into October. Today was the first day that it felt like fall was in the air. It may be short lived as tomorrow it could be back up to 98 degrees, but I will enjoy today.
The sun has finally come up and it is still breezy and cool. My outlook has not changed all that much. I am grateful for today,but still searching for my way. I know the God has a plan for me, I just do not know what it is right now. I keep trying to find it. Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I need to sit back for just a minute and wait to see if it will be revealed.
I have not felt this disjointed since I do not know when. Maybe back in my late 20's when I had a career change. Then I was able to take a cruise, clear my head and come back with renewed vigor and vim. I did choose a new path then.
Now stress seems to lead the way. No cruise now. I look for a little peace in the little things. Like a day at the beach and working out. That helps. I pray that my way will be soon revealed. I know that now I am doing what I need to be doing. Being there for my child. Soon I will need to shift the focus to me.
For now I sway in the wind. I go where the wind blows me. I bend and am as supple as new shoots of grass. Fall is in the air and soon the set in for the winter needs to happen. Nothing is stored for the winter. Nothing is in the larder now. All seems to come when it should. When things are needed they are there. So far there is nothing that has been for want. The universe knows and fills in what is needed.
Fall is in the air. The wind is blowing. The trees are bending and so am I.
September 14, 2011
Motivation
Motivation seems to be lacking in my right about now. Not sure why....maybe it has been the months of feeling not so good. I think when you get out of a stressful situation you might not be aware of the stress you were under until it is all over. Then you feel it, get sick and have to get over it.
When I left my job in April, I was under a lot of stress. From work. Having a terrible boss will do that. He was controlling and very manipulative. He was beyond words and every single employee who has left AFTER me has told me the exact same thing..without me even broaching the subject. He goes through a lot of employees. The turnover rate is extreme but he does not care. He just chalks it up to numbers...it's all a numbers game to him to find good people. He just had not found them yet.
When I left I was having irritable bowel problems. That is something I developed due to stress some years ago. I only have a flair up when I am stressed. It takes a long time to get it under control. It is now.
Mentally I feel so much better. I never knew what a relief it was not to go to work there. I could feel the relief that first week of not having him to deal with. If the relief is coming off one in waves, that was a clue I should have left there long before that!
When I look back that has been my problem I stay in bad places too long wanting them to get better. Hoping they will get better and they never do. I am an optimist. I see the good in most things and people, even if small and hold on to that. Against my better judgement.
So now I am not motivated. I want a great position, with great coworkers. I know that position has to be out there. For now, I seek. Waiting for the perfect one. I know there is a plan for my life but right now I just do not know what that is. I have always had a plan and a direction. And knew where I was going.
For the first time now, I feel adrift. Adrift on the sea of life, with a paddle but no map. With time I will find my way. With time I will find my way.
July 23, 2008
Death. Surprise!
Snapshots In My Time...
Of My Time.....Hauntings.
I just found out that one of my best friends from high school has died. He died last December in a freak fall down a flight of stairs. I hate I missed the funeral. I have since found out that friends were trying to reach me and did not know where I was. I was right in the same town we all have been in. Funny how time slips away and that you can still be in the same town with the same people you go to school with and never see them.
I think back now on the times we had with him. He was the crazy ecentric type, wild. And we even think he took an alternative lifestyle after leaving the private catholic schools we all went to. Later on he had some sort of meltdown and ended up being disabled in some way. He never worked as an adult and when I was working with social services, I saw his name in a coworkers case load. We had lost contact then. Not because I wanted it. He did. I tried to keep in contact but he was not the same, not interested and that in some ways that hurt. But I respected his wishes and kept my distance. He was not the same. The few times I spoke to him he seemed not quite mentally stable. He was disable in some mental capacity.
I heard that his ashes were sprinkled at the beach he loved to go to. I was thinking back to some object or thing I may still have that he had given me. I do not have any sort of tangible object. I might have a cd.....where I do not know. Packed away in storage. What he gave me that will never to away are the memories. Memories of fun and dancing the nights away when disco was in. We were of the disco era. Memories of going out weekends in highschool and my freshman year in college as a group. We were always in a group. I do have my highschool yearbooks. He signed them. I still have those fond and old memories.
He is gone. Death. It was a surprise. Why did it have to be a freak fall at 47 years of age?
Of My Time.....Hauntings.
I just found out that one of my best friends from high school has died. He died last December in a freak fall down a flight of stairs. I hate I missed the funeral. I have since found out that friends were trying to reach me and did not know where I was. I was right in the same town we all have been in. Funny how time slips away and that you can still be in the same town with the same people you go to school with and never see them.
I think back now on the times we had with him. He was the crazy ecentric type, wild. And we even think he took an alternative lifestyle after leaving the private catholic schools we all went to. Later on he had some sort of meltdown and ended up being disabled in some way. He never worked as an adult and when I was working with social services, I saw his name in a coworkers case load. We had lost contact then. Not because I wanted it. He did. I tried to keep in contact but he was not the same, not interested and that in some ways that hurt. But I respected his wishes and kept my distance. He was not the same. The few times I spoke to him he seemed not quite mentally stable. He was disable in some mental capacity.
I heard that his ashes were sprinkled at the beach he loved to go to. I was thinking back to some object or thing I may still have that he had given me. I do not have any sort of tangible object. I might have a cd.....where I do not know. Packed away in storage. What he gave me that will never to away are the memories. Memories of fun and dancing the nights away when disco was in. We were of the disco era. Memories of going out weekends in highschool and my freshman year in college as a group. We were always in a group. I do have my highschool yearbooks. He signed them. I still have those fond and old memories.
He is gone. Death. It was a surprise. Why did it have to be a freak fall at 47 years of age?
March 03, 2008
Pondering Life
Snapshots In My Time...
Of My Time.....Hauntings.
Why is it that it seems that some bad people have lots of great things happening for them? I see that in the world and wonder at times where the fairness is. Then I see lots of bad things happening to innocent people and again wonder where the fairness is, in that. This wide world is a weird place. Me? Somewhere in the middle wondering why this and that happens to me and I am a good person. I help people. I give to charity, the homeless, goodwill, friends who call me in need. Still not so good things happen to me. I want to be one of the ones that have all sorts of things go great...for a very long time. I wonder if that time will ever come. I sure hope so, because I want to experience easy life for while before I get to old to enjoy it.
Of My Time.....Hauntings.
Why is it that it seems that some bad people have lots of great things happening for them? I see that in the world and wonder at times where the fairness is. Then I see lots of bad things happening to innocent people and again wonder where the fairness is, in that. This wide world is a weird place. Me? Somewhere in the middle wondering why this and that happens to me and I am a good person. I help people. I give to charity, the homeless, goodwill, friends who call me in need. Still not so good things happen to me. I want to be one of the ones that have all sorts of things go great...for a very long time. I wonder if that time will ever come. I sure hope so, because I want to experience easy life for while before I get to old to enjoy it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)