March 30, 2005


Snapshots In My Time...
Of My Time.....Hauntings.

Birthdays were always horrible time for me. The torment would start about a month or maybe two from my birthday month. I would hear things on a daily basis like, "you are so bad that you do not deserve anything for your birthday," or " I am not getting you anything for your birthday because you are ungrateful and are a horrible child," or "I wish I never had you," or "I should have aborted you when I had the chance," or " I really cannot recall when your birthday was, was it the __ (fill in any date) of was it the __(fill in any random date), or "we are not celebrating your birthday this year." I would hear this everyday until the date of my actual birthday for at least 2 months before. This all came from my mother of course. And what was I doing that was bad or wrong? Nothing. It was just another form of abuse I had to endure for many years.

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This went on from about 1st grade which is about as far back as I can remember till high school when I finally got nerve enough to put an end to it. Was I remembered on my birthdays when I was a child? No. For most of them nothing was ever done to commemorate it. Sometimes there was a cake and sometimes not. I remember my when I turned 12. I was having my first birthday party ever. My mother had invited some of coworkers daughters who were the same age as me and a few of the neighborhood kids. We had it in the garage that was converted into a den. There was games and a huge cake and we were all dressed up. All the children who came had on their sunday best.

First of all, I thought that the party day would never come. Nothing like this had ever beenplanned for me before and I just knew at the last minute my mother would cancell it. Well the day came and peopel arrived and all was well. I was very very happy that I was actully having a birthday party. We played games inside and outside on the front lawn. Finally it was time to have cake in the den. I felt like a princess. When it was time to have cake, everyone was seated at the table with me at the head. The kids began to sing and I became very emotional. I began to cry. I was crying for me for all my past birthdays ruined and I was also crying because this was a very new feeling I was feeling. That my birthday was special and worthy of being remembered. I was crying so hard I could not blow out the candles. I told everyone through the tears that I was crying because I was so happy. A little boy next to me yelled, "Blow out those candles and let's eat cake!"

I felt he was intruding on my moment, but he did not know anything of the extent of what I was feeling. I blew out the candles and we had cake. That was the last and only birthday party I have ever, as a child. When I was 16 I asked for a Sweet 16 Party and was vehemently shot down. I never had one. And still through all these years, the litany that I wrote in the first paragraph of this post continued for the 2 months prior to my birthday. ( As a side note, to be revealed in a later post the same thing extended beyond birthdays. My mother extended this out to include christmas also.)

Well I had decided that Iwas not going to take it anymore. I was now in high school and I could now plan to go out with friends on my birthday. My friends were my salvation. Thank god for them or I would have committed suicide long ago. Really and seriously. When I was 17 it started again. 2 months before my birthday. The endless verbal abuse regarding my birthday. I had some really good church and school friends who decided they were going to take me out for dinner and dancing on my birthday. I had been hearing that noone at home was celebrating my birthday so I made plans to go out. My friends were picking me up at 6:30 for a seafood dinner. One of my girlfriends made a big cake and we were going to tak that to the restaurant and have it there. I was going to have a good birthday that year.

So at about 5pm I began to shower and get dressed to do. I had not told my parents in advance I was going out. I planned to tell them as I was leaving and that I would be back at 9 or 10. 10 was my curfew. My mother noticed I was getting ready to go and was putting on my party clothes and heels. She asked me what was going on. I told her I was going out to celebrate my birthday. She began insane with anger and began to yell and scream. She said that I was not going out as we were celebrting my birthday at home. I told her no. She had been telling me for the past 2 months she was doing nothing for me as usual so I told her that was fine. I was going out with friends for dinner and dancing.

My mother said again that she was gong to celebrate. She said she had gotten a cake. She told me to go look in the fridge. I saw a Pepperidge Farm Chocolate cake which was my favorite at the time. That had no effect on me. I told my mother I had no idea of that based on what she had been telling me so I was going out. People and plans had been made for at least a week in advance. She began to say that I could not go. I told her I was as she had made it perfectly clear they were not celebrating my birthday. She then said she had even bought me a present. She ran to her bathroom and got a box of unopened Calgon Bath Oil Beads and said she had bought that as my present.

To me that was a joke. A $2.00 box of calgon bath oil beads?? That was not a birthday present and furthurmore, Ido not believe she bought them for me. I think she bought them for herself and when she realized I was determined to go out, she decided to see if a present would make me stay home. Those bath beads were hers. She used then all the time already. I told her that no more was she going to ruin my birthdays. I would be spending them with friends.

I continued to get dressed and she got even more angry. My friends called and said they were on the way. My mother then said that they had better not set one foot of a tire in her yard or driveway or she would call the police and have them arrested for tresspassing. I quickly called my friends back and told them not to pull in the driveway. I would be waiting at the front door for then and we would leave instantly. They did not have to get out of the car, I would come out and off we would go. They arrived 10 minutes later. My mother was still screaming like a banshee. I got my purse and opened the front door to leave and stood on the stoop.

My mother had run to my room and pulled out all my drawers of clothes and had them in her arms. She came out on the front porch as I walked to the car and dumped all my clothes on the lawn yelling that I had no home to come back to. I just looked at her. Did she really think I had any sort of home? I never had one. I went out and had a great time with my friends.

When I got home of course she did not want to open the front door. Finally after about 30 minutes of me ringing the bell my father opened the door. It was about 10. I endured about 2 more hours of yelling and abuse but it was okay. I had a mental escape. I just relived my birthday that night over and over again. After that year there was no more talk of not celebrating my birthday. After 17 years it finally stopped. I went out with friends for as long as I lived in that house for my birthday. She never bothered me any more about that.

Finally after 17 years it stopped.


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