Attention All Employees
>*As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for >>department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number >
>of personnel.*>
>*Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take >>early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger>
>people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to >>phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal>
>year will be placed into effect immediately.*>
>*This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age>>Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the >opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED >>employees can request a review of their employment records >before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of >>the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of >>Retired Early Workers).*>>
>*All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file >>an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT >(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under >>the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, >SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the >company deems appropriate.*
>>*If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be >entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired >Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum >Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
>benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP >will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.*
>*Management wishes to assure the younger employees who >remain on board that the company will continue its policy >of training employees through our Special High Intensity >Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our
>employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT >than any other company in this area. If any employee feels >they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your >immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained >to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.*
>>*And, once again, thanks for all of your sacrifices and >years of service with us.*>
>* *>*THE MANAGEMENT*
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