December 26, 2005


Snapshots In My Time...
Of My Time.....Hauntings.

Hope for the future. That is what children are. That is what they are supposed to be. I wonder why noone ever told my mother that. Or my father. Today I was reminded that I am seen as someone that noone expects anything from. Today I was reminded that that what has always been expected of me. Today my feelings and being went way back to when I was a child. I had forgotten that. I had been living in the dream world that my parents see me as a success. I forgot and got hurt with just a simple question from my father.

I used to cry inside when I was smaller. Noone could see any tears on the outside, but I was sobbing on the inside. The sobbing was so audible I could hear it. I often wondered why noone else could hear it or see me crying. I had to keep it in. Noone cared. Noone would dry those tears. So it was better to keep it in.

I was never a hope for the future. I realized that at a very early age. I realized that children were supposed to be hope for the future. I was so sad. My accomplishments were never recognized by my parents. I worked harder and studied longer just to get straight A's. I did everything right to get their approval. Nothing worked. I never got it. I still don't have it.

I remember being in all the honor classes in grade school and high school. When I got to college I was on the deans list for about 3 years. Still that was not good enough. My freshman year I was not on it.. the adjustment to college life. I transfered schools my sophomore year and it was smooth sailing after that. When I got my grades and I todl my parents I was on the dean's list, the only response I got was, "You should have studied harder last year."

When it came time to graduate there was a mix up with the transfer credits and graduation suddenly turned into graduation hell. All had been fine, my credits had been counted and everything was on track. Then the fateful day came when I had the last check before graduation and all of a sudden the school decided not accept 3 credits. Invitations were sent, cards were already arriving for me in the mailbox full of money and congratulations from distant relatives. It was 2 weeks before graduation and due to some paperwork error not my fault I was not going to graduate because I suddenly had to take an elective for 3 credits. I was crushed and embarrased and distraught beyond belief. I was not going to take that walk in my white evening gown and carry those roses to get my diploma. Not that May.

I told my mom what was happening to see if she could help with the problem. She did not. Her response, "I knew you would not graduate." I cried a river of tears. No, a lake, an ocean. I did have a boyfriend at the time and I asked him to take me away the weekend of graduation. He was the only one who understood how devastated I was. It was all about the 3 minute walk across that stage to get that diploma. When I got back to town I had to face all my relatives who went to the graduation expecting to see me and my name was not called. I did get thru that summer. In the fall I signed up for an elective course and got my diploma in December.

I have done well in life. I have started graduate school....still trying to finish. I have always had great jobs that paid well. (40K and up) I have a great job well. But still that is not even recognized at all by my parents. It was not expected of me and noone cares that I did any of those things. Now my brother, who dropped out of college, works in retail and does not have a career of any stable sorts...he is golden. How can he be golden? Gold is supposed to be the best of the best and he is not. How can he be the golden one in their eyes? I am truly golden according to all the things/opportunites they presented to my brother and I. I did them all. And well. He did not complete anything but he is golden.

Gold escapes me. Gold mystifies me. Why is gold not me?

See. In my world I am golden. I view myself as that. It only takes one holiday family get together to have the reality of them set in. I have been writing stories and poetry for years and have done some writing submissions over the years. I recall years ago, I had gotten some rejections letters (the sign of a true writer) and I mentioned them to my mother. Her response," Maybe if you had some journalism background or took some courses your writing would be good enough, but you won't publish anything." (Did she not pay attention to any of my college courses as to what I took?) I did not respond to her but it hurt me to the quick. Little did she know that I was already a published author. Had been since college. I had told her that then but I guess she forgot. My accomplishments are clearly not remembered at all.

What brought it all back this Christmas? Well, I write a family newsletter that I send out to friends and relatives every christmas. I include it in all the christmas cards I send. It is the year in review. I mentioned that I was working on a novel. My father read that and asked very sacrastically, "Where is your book?" He laughed at the end. I just looked at him very seriously and said, " it was on my computer. It is a very large word document on my computer." He did not say anything else.

Then the very next question came to my mind. Why the hell am I wasting my holidays with them? I could be going on trips and cruises for Christmas. It would be better for me. Next year that is what I am doing. My family and I are not going home for the gathering at grandparents. We are having our own Christmas away, and it and I will be golden. 100% golden!


  1. I haven't been here in a long time, but this is exactly the sort of writing I'm looking to read on the web. I'll be back to catch up again later. Well done.