Saturday. I so want to get back into updating this blog. I feel the urge to write now. It seems like I have a lot to say and I need to get it out. My muse seems active where she has been sleeping for such a long time. Last night I saw "Their Eyes Were Watching God." I saw this movie many years ago but somehow did not really remember it. I certainly did not remember it or feel the impact from all the emotion portrayed in it. I can so identify with Halle Berry's character. I think I have always been like her, wistful and looking for love and not always finding it.
It was such a great, but short lived, love story. In the end I could not feel sad because Halle was given the world everyday and she loved and lived in that "everyday," even if it was for a short time. I want that. When I look back on my few loves I don't think I ever had that. Not even once. No one has given me the world everyday. I do believe I THOUGHT I was getting that and I believe my partner THOUGHT he was giving me that...but no. NOT! I don't think I ever got that limitless, unconditional, boundless love. I know that now looking back. I know I gave that sort of love to one in my life and it was not returned.
Now at these later years I wonder if I will ever achieve it. I have stopped looking for love. I stopped looking many years ago when my child was young and there was no time for that. My days were filled with the work of two jobs, a baby and diapers. Now there is more time and I am not sure how to start looking, even if I wanted to. There is also the big question: If I were to look would I find it or does it need to find me?
I know my hope has been that love would find me. I have forever been waiting to be swept away on the shiny waves of love; to be raised up on its' swells and left filled when it left me on the shores of life. To know that it was there when the seas were calm or when the summer storms arose. Even when the pull of the moon made the tides wild and left of center, I would know and feel love was always there.
Now I wait. And hope. There is always hope. I want someone to give me the world everyday. I know I can give that back. I'm that kind of girl. Life should be lived and lived with those you love. Especially those who give you the world. "Love is like the sea. It is a moving thing and different on every shore." I am waiting. On the shore. Gazing at the deep blue sea.
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