February 14, 2012

Cupid's Arrow Missed Again

It is that day again.  Valentine's Day and this is year 15 with no valentine for me.  Sad. I know.  It is sad.  Yesterday I was feeling very low.  I guess I was thinking of all the candy and flowers and nice dinners I missed out on all these years.  And being alone.  The perfect guy or even the unperfect guy has yet to even look my way.  I am not asking for much...just a person who shares some of the same interests I do.  Dinner, a show and a movie would be enough.  It is the same on New Years Eve for me.  No one to share a kiss with.

I wonder if some are just supposed to be alone in the world.  I wonder if I am one of them.  I have been seeing things about this being "singles awareness day" for the single.  I wonder if love will come.  I look at my mother.  She was in a bad marriage that was not happy for 37 years.  When my father died she was able to move on.  She finally found someone who was social and gregarious and loved to dance and go out.  All the things my father did not do.  She had the time of her life for the last four years and was very happy.  This man died on this past Saturday of a heart attack and now she is alone again at  74.  The one thing she told me was that he made her happy.  For the time they had together it was pure pleasure and fun and they did so many things together.  Now he is gone.  It is sad.  She found her soul mate at the age of 70 and had just four wonderful years.  Too short.

I am now in my 50's and am still looking.  I want to find my soul mate soon.  Long before I reach my 70's.  There are so many things I want to do, see and go.  Time is drifting by on gossamer wings and stealing youth and vitality with it.  I am still sad today.  I thought I was over it.  I busied myself with making others feel special today by getting others cards and candy.  Well, I know that none of that will be reciprocated.  That is okay for me with them.  They are my family and children.  I do want someone just for me.  I want to feel like I matter to someone.  Just for a little while.

I want to get those roses on special days and get dressed up for dinners.  When I was working in an office setting I was one of those who after seeing all my coworkers get flowers delivered year and year, decided to send flowers to myself.  I did.  I just had to feel like I was just as special to someone as they were.  When I got roses or flowers for those first two times I did it, what a "thing" it was in the office.  I got flowers.  I  was the talk of the day.  Well, it was only me.  It made me feel good.  I love flowers.  Always have.  My desk was brightened for at least a week.  I had the mysterious friend who thought I was special.

I have not done that in a while.  I almost wish I had today.  Alas it is too late and I am not in the mood.  It will be another sad day.  At least for awhile.  I have much to do today.  Meetings and things, so the business of the day will take my mind away to  other places and the significance of the day will be lost in the mundane.  Cupid shot his arrow and it missed me again.  Happy Valentine's Day.


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